Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
