I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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