Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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