I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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