The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
