Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
