I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
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She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
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MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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