highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize
