i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
