She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
