I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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