i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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