I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I would fuck him just for his dog
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
