Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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