there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
