My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
