Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he fucked my hip out of place.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
