No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
barbara walters just said penis...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
