i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My vagina just recognized that song.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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