I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
