im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
