I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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