New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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