The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
