I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
