I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
