i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
