im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
