Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
