i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
