When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
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There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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