lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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