If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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