Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
