And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
