If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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