god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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