If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
