We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
