The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His hands were made for my vagina.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
