Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
