the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
