i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
