Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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