He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
