Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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