i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
