dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
