Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
