Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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