Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
