Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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