Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
