I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
