it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
